Molly's May Tidbits: Saying no
I’m trying a new format to share, once a month, some things I’m reading and listening to, people I admire and you should know about, and things that have made me stop and think this month.
We built Glue Club to give startup leaders a space to learn what good looks like and help them skip some of the mistakes others have made. Glue Club membership begins with our New Member program, which includes "Lessons" taught by me and bi-weekly facilitated circles where you problem-solve collaboratively with your peers, finding solutions for challenges that you and your company are facing. If you’re a company builder who wants a community of people to lean on and learn from, come join us!
“Goals are not enough. Winners and losers have the same goals.” - James Clear
On a personal note: I just got back from rafting the Rogue River which is a delightful way to spend 5 days. If you are looking for a family or friend trip, I highly recommend it. I promise there are other blog posts coming soon — it’s been a busy month!
What I’ve been thinking about in May
Saying no thoughtfully is an art form that I have not fully mastered.
One of the things I've really confronted in the last couple of years is that how you spend your time is one of the only things you can control. What you spend your time on reflects your priorities – either implicit or explicit. It is fascinating to watch the people whose time does not match what they say they want to prioritize, and even more intriguing to watch the people who are meticulous about aligning their time and their priorities.
In order to make your time match your priorities, you have to get good at saying no to things that don’t fit. I’m a recovering people pleaser (enneagram type 2 ftw) so it is very uncomfortable for me to say no to things that might not be important to me, but I know they’re important to someone else. I’ve been trying hard to get better at this over the last year, and I’m still bad at it! But here are some folks I’ve learned from:
Ify Walker wrote a really thoughtful post about it recently that I learned from, as did Lenny Rachitsky — a post that I have already re-read twice.
When I posted about this topic on LinkedIn, the fabulous operator-turned-investor Audrey Kim sent me a thoughtful note about tackling this actively when she became a VC because so much of the job of being an investor is saying no. I’m reposting what she sent me because it was elegantly said and made me think!
VC’s spend a lot of time disappointing people. Most companies are not a fit for your specific portfolio (for any number of reasons), which means that much of the job is saying “no” to founders and other investors.
It’s a hard message to deliver, because you’re essentially saying you don’t want to back something that is really important to the other person.
At first, I hated doing this – I felt like I was constantly letting down people who I like and respect. I still don’t like doing it, but experience has updated a few of my priors.
1/ There is a difference between delivering a disappointing message and behaving in a disappointing way.
2/ Grown-ups understand that business is full of “no.” Grown-ups will pitch you, but they don’t believe that you owe them a yes. They are perfectly capable of accepting your answer and moving on – that’s part of their job, just like it’s part of mine. Note: There are some people who don’t act like grown-ups in these situations. In those cases, I do not take their behavior personally.
3/ What matters most is how you engage in the conversation.
The question I used to ask: “Did they walk away super happy with what I told them?”
The question I now ask: “Was I respectful, helpful, and fair?” This is the standard to which I want to hold myself accountable, consistently.
4/ This framework also helps in the reverse situation, where someone is delivering a disappointing message to me. I ask the same question (“Were they respectful, helpful, and fair?”) and, no matter what, I try not to take it personally. We’re all just doing our jobs and more often than not, a “no” doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong – it just means that the other person’s priorities and goals don’t overlap with yours in that specific moment. In whatever context you find yourself, taking a lot of shots on goal helps reinforce this way of thinking, which definitely did not come naturally for me!
Content I loved this month
How Big Things Get Done: I am currently obsessed with this book. It’s about the patterns that tend to make the biggest, most complex projects in the world successful (on time, under budget, etc) or unsuccessful (long, slow, 18x as expensive as forecast, etc). I’m bad at reading non-fiction but this book has me hooked because it’s so interesting!
Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor, that so many of us loved, just published Radical Respect: How to Work Together Better. I haven’t had a chance to read it yet because I’ve been stuck in How Big Things Get Done, but Kim is brilliant so I know it will be great.
A couple Glue People highly recommended this blog post and framework from Bangaly Kaba on how to make career decisions. I love how practical, tactical, and thoughtful it is.
Takeaways from May Glue Club events
We’ve had a couple of really powerful Slack threads in the Glue Club recently.
“What is something you know now that you wish you had known 5 years ago?” Members shared a wide variety of truly thoughtful learnings like:
“Work is like water and will fill the vessel you give it.”
“Be patient when companies re-org. Just wait, let the dust settle, and don't feel like you need to react to an org chart on a slide…”
“If you are saying you are burned out, you are already too late. Learn to recognize the signs and get ahead of it.”
“Negotiate the heck out of your first equity offer.”
“What is a book / podcast / newsletter / blog post has truly helped you at work?” Here’s a couple that folks shared:
And this month we had some really fun events including:
A Fireside Chat with Frank Rotman. As I told the folks in the Glue Club, Frank is one of my favorite people to talk to. I can talk to him for hours and I always learn not 1 but dozens of things about topics from investing to building and running companies to student loans to the federal government, let alone fintech and how banks work :) He gave the Glue Club a taste of this knowledge with a wide ranging discussion on the business of investing, how to manage a board well, what the role of investors should be when things aren’t going well, what he wishes he knew about operating now that he’s an investor and vice versa. If you don’t follow Frank, please fix that immediately!
I taught one of our standard Lessons in the New Member program on Culture, Communication, and Decision Making, and it made me want to share one thing I’ve found myself repeating a lot lately. When it comes to building a culture as a company, what matters most is what you do, not what you say. I find we often overrotate on writing down values and underappreciate that even if you never write anything down, you will still have a culture. Your true culture or nature as a company is shown through how you make decisions, who you hire and fire, what it feels like to onboard, how you share what’s happening, etc. What matters is what you DO, not what you say. And there is no faster way to break the underlying fabric in your company than to say you value something but make it clear through your actions that you don’t. The say/do disconnect is worth being scared of as a leader.
I recently got asked a couple of different times if I do executive coaching, and the answer is that I pour all of my coaching, mentoring, teaching, and sponsorship energy in to the Glue Club these days. If you’re looking for a community that can lift you up, give you more confidence, open doors for you, and help you learn and grow regardless of what’s going on at your company, that’s what we are and where you’ll find me 🙂
People I admire
Name: Shella Neba
Role: Former Chief Legal Officer & General Counsel at Gem; currently exploring opportunities (ideally in AI)
Reason Why I Admire Shella: Shella is a disciplined, brave, intelligent, caring lawyer who can think both about the strategy of a business she is supporting and the legal dimension. I’ve been so impressed with her willingness to do things many lawyers wouldn’t dream of, like learning to code in order to better understand artificial intelligence and the life of an engineer. She’s been part of building a series on “Responsible AI in Action” as she and a group of women leaders have dug into what AI will mean for the future.
We’re enrolling now for the Summer New Member cohort of Glue Club. Applications are due June 14. It’s a new format that we’re trying – shorter and cheaper — with time zones that are APAC-friendlier. If you’re a company builder who wants a community of people to lean on and learn from, come join us!